CLUMSYSADTHOUGHTS.

Breathe. Don't forget to breathe. My eyes sting. My mascara's mixed with my tears. I don't understand. This hurts so much. Happy, wasn't that what I felt? Even if it was only for a moment. Shouldn't it had stayed? Why don't I feel like that anymore. I don't want this heart anymore, my heart. Take it. I don't want this pain. Take care of me...hold me and tell me that you honestly, genuinely care about me. Tell me that you won't ever hurt me, won't ever want to. This isn't my fault...I didn't want for this to happen. I don't want to think anymore. I hold myself. My fingers on my arms like I would feel better but I won't. Make me believe that I would never feel this way again. I need to sleep. I can't sleep. STOP CRYING WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. I wish you cared. I wish I never made you mad. I wish I could have stopped. I feel sore all over. That only makes me cry harder.

YOU.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy, when skies are grey.
You never know dear, how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

You are special. I love everything about you, and I always will. If you ever leave. It'll be like drilling a hole into my chest and pouring acid into where my heart should be. We are special, so don't ever leave. Stay.

LASTFRIDAYNIGHT.

On Friday I went out with kitty cat to look for a job. She's finally dyed her hair red too, haha I was so excited to be there with her. I was prolly five times more excited than she was hahaha. Josh was with us too and we ended up going to RP for some music performance thing there. For the first time in my life I didn't feel the tiniest bit of paranoia.

The best part of it all is my mama's acceptance...everything's gonna be okay now. I'm on my way to finally being happy. After an entire year of letting go of things I always believed I would miss, I wouldn't change anything if I could. Its like, I've skipped the process of moving on and missing what I used to have. So this is how happy feels like.

It was the night things changed, can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down.

RAIDMYWARDROBE

Distressed skinny jeans from Forever21 - $19. Size 25. Pending.



Black floral dress - $7.



Cotton On cyan blue cropped tank-$5. Sold.



Black shirt with shoulder chain details-$6.





Cotton On Tribal/Floral print high wasted skirt with functional buttons - $6. Fits UK8-10. Sold.

Grey Cotton On half cardigan with ruched sleeves-$6. Size S.

Cotton On high waisted black leopard and floral print skirts-$7 each.



Cotton On crochet tank top in pale pink-$6. Size S. Sold.



Cotton On floral print top-$7. Size XS. Pending.

Cotton On red leopard print top-$6. Size XS.



Forest green lace camisole-$9. Size S. I bought it from Mango but I cut the tag off.

I have way too many clothes haha. Text or email me if interested, I only do meet up though. Thank you honey bunnies <3 81471195/sophielovesjohn@hotmail.com

IWILLTRYTO/FIXYOU.

I arch my back so I make sure,
You're right behind me as before.

I've tried my absolute best to make them happy. I honestly have. I've taken every single insult they had for me, I've never fought back. I kept silent and let them hurt me over and over again, as if I couldn't feel. But nothing ever works. I watch their anger and disappointment grow each day, and I know they're never gonna understand unless I try to make them understand.

I need to be happy. I don't care what I have to do anymore.

STAYCALM.

I have a math paper in 7 hours. A math paper I didn't necessarily prepare myself well for since I was sick since Sunday and the pills I had to take made me nauseous. I spent two entire days in bed chewing mint gum and sleeping for hours.

Evil in the form of GCEs.

ITHURTSTOREACHYOUWHENI'M/DOWN.

Hearing you talk about my nightly breakdowns like...its so normal even for you now, like it doesn't even matter anymore, it felt like I'm already starting to lose you. When I sob into my pillow every fucking night all I want is to hear your voice, to tell me that all this will eventually pass. But most nights I have to get through it alone. When I do call you, you get mad, and I pretend like its no big deal but I spend hours awake in bed afterwards, replaying your words in my head.

"I'm tired of your emotional bullshit."

I don't think you'd even remember saying it but you did, and you can't imagine how much it kills me to know that you're sick of me...eventually you will leave.

Its been a week since my mother talked to me. She won't even look at me. I don't matter to her anymore, like how I hardly matter to you now.

SKINANDBONES.

I fucking hate myself I fucking hate myself I fucking hate myself and I want to disappear. I am a wreck and I ruin everything I touch.

Stop hurting yourself. Stop crying. Stop starving yourself. Stay away from your pills. Stop living on caffeine. You are good enough. You have so much more to live for.

Words are failing me right now.

YOUNEVERWILLKNOW.

I'm sorry I'm a disappointment. I honestly am. I'm sorry you won't ever know how sorry I am. I'm sorry I ruin everything. I'm sorry I didn't live up to be the daughter you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I can't talk to you, and I probably never will.

CAFFEINEJUNKIE_95

I drink caffeine everyday. Coffee, red bull etcetc. Sometimes I can't sleep cause I take too much, so I have to take a pill to go to sleep. So caffeine to stay awake, and a pill to go to sleep. Bullshit cycle.

I'm not here to please anyone, this blog is to pour out my thoughts so that years from now I can look back and remember all the shit I've been through cause knowing my selective memory {I automatically delete memories I can't deal with} these shit years would completely disappear. I just realized how ridiculously long that sentence was. Haha punctuation, hello?

Anyways like I said, I'm not here to please anyone, and if for some reason or another something on this site offends you {which is just really stupid, cause I honestly find nothing on this site offensive} then you can just leave.

Its 3.30pm and I've not bathed yet haha so I will soon. I'm really excited to use the Bodyshop Brazil Nut body polish/scrub mama bought, yay for glowy skin.

Oh and this is really random and all, but oh my god I have a thing for guys with long hair. HAHA no but seriously I think I like guys who look like addicts/junkies/hobos. HAHA.

IAMNOTHINGNOW.

I've been in bed since 9pm and its almost midnight and I'm still awake. Torture of the worst kind. I feel so lonely...why do I always fuck myself up at night? Am I really always going to be this sad? I feel so hollow inside, do you know how that fucking feels like? When you lie in bed and all you feel is sadness, or bitterness, or loneliness? All I do is push people away, cause I can't stand how everybody's moving on, and my life is a complete standstill. A complete fucking joke. As a little girl I thought I'd suffered enough, not having my father ever make me feel like I mattered to him, always a burden to my mother, silently crying whenever either one of them hurt me. But they were just as broken as I am now, nobody could blame them. I love them both so so much.

I love so much, I love everybody I meet, because right now its the only positive thing I have going for me. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep. Sleep for years and wake up and start anew. Cause my existance right now, I don't even think it counts as a life, is just pointless.

This isn't even normal for me anymore.

BLOWTHECANDLESOUT/LOOKSLIKEASOLOTONIGHT.

Photos: All mine, over the past year or two.

Okay blogging with the iPad is beyond frustrating. September holidays now, and I am shocked at how fast the year has gone by. I'm glad of course, I can't wait to get older but its just so sad that my teenage life has to be spent like this-waiting for things to get better. Just. Waiting it out, you know. Sigh.

ONEMANDRINKINGGAMES.

You need to realize that at one point of time I actually did love you, and I was so hopeful we'd be friends for real. But I guess we're not.

Josh has been going to baybeats the past two nights, and he's going again tonight. So I've been alone to myself since Friday night, but I think I've been doing pretty okay. I don't feel as alone as I used to.

Lykke Li's concert is on the 21st September. I'm going for Alesana's on the 16th. I will honestly die if I miss Lykke Li's, I fucking love her, like you have no fucking idea. But my parents will only let me go for her concert if I do well for my second round of pre-lim examinations. So I just HAVE to do well this time.

To the person who posted on my formspring: I'm serious, you really should text me. I'm super nice, and I know what its like to feel alone and sad. Sometimes it helps talking to somebody. Not saying that I'll be able to make you feel better, but I'll try. (:

"I'MTIREDOFYOUR/EMOTIONALBULLSHIT."

I have this tendency to love everybody I meet...especially knowing that in their own little ways, everybody is broken.

Nobody really knows what I go through at night, or even if they do, nobody really understands. I lie in bed, and cry every single fucking night, sometimes for no reason at all. I used to take pills or drink cough syrup, just so I'd fall asleep more easily but I'm trying not to anymore. It fucks me up when I wake up for school.

Most nights I get through it. I go to bed early to stop thinking. But I always wake up in the middle of the night. Thats when I feel alone the most. Thats when the crying gets worse, the self bruising/cutting starts and I really don't know WHY.

I'm getting better though. It helps, having Josh talk to me, make me feel better. We used to fight a lot, but we don't anymore. Not so much. But he won't always be there when I need him. Why the fuck am I so needy?

I'DRATHERNOTBEME.

You know the feeling of being so disgusted with yourself you feel acid rise from stomach and all you wanna do is curl up and die.

Right now that's how I feel.

ITHINKI'MALITTLEBIT/INLOVEWITHYOU.

Photo: Hugging the lead singer of Mayday Parade after the Sweet Collision Concert. Absolute fucking best.

I've not gotten the chance to blog about the Mayday Parade/Eyes Set to Kill concert, even though it's already been exactly a week ago. It depresses me to think about that night, how its already fading into a night that has been, something I'll remember for life but I'll never be able to go back. I desperately want to go back.

The group of people I went with were totally darling people, they made the whole thing all the more fun haha. During the Eyes Set to Kill moshing the group sort of split, and I stuck with Nadia Dali {she's totally fun} at the back cause it was total chaos like you have no idea. We did mosh {sort of haha} but only for like 2 seconds cause we were pulled out by these girls who, I think, thought we were dying or something hahahaha.

After that Mayday Parade came on and it was a whirlwind after that, I don't really remember much. Basically Nadia, Josh and I squeezed our way to the very front, and clung onto the barricades. I remember screaming being pushed around being kicked over and over again by some bitch near me having the guy next to me sweat on my arm being so close to the band members and it sounds pretty awful but in truth it was one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced.

The concert ended all too soon but it wasn't the end yet. We managed to find the two vans belonging to Mayday and ESTK and we had like, our own personal meet and greet session there on the roadside.

Cisko Miranda {the screamo guy from ESTK} said I smelt really good.
I hugged Derek Sanders.
We took photos with the members of Mayday Parade.
We didn't see Alexia Rodriguez.
I hugged Derek Sanders.

Took a cab home with Josh, Rey {she's super nice!} and Rey's friend {?}, managed to bruise myself against the taxi door {I'm really not sure how I ended up with the bruise on my arm} got home after midnight and thats how it all ended. Went to bed bruised, exhausted and aching everywhere but happy. As. Fuck.

MAYDAYPARADE/EYESSETTOKILL.

Nadia Dali & me, we're both really funsized lol.




















Photos: All mine {so please ask before using them anywhere else} from the Sweet Collision Concert, mostly of Derek Sanders hahaha.

SPECIAL/I'DLIKETOTHINK.

No I'm not wearing pupil-enlarging/brown/circle/coloured lenses. And you're gonna accuse me of lying. So many people think I do, but I don't really, and I'm so tempted to actually buy a pair and show a comparison, you know. Haha!

Sometimes I get people complimenting me on my eyes, eyelashes and complexion...only to ruin it all by asking if I've got circle lenses on/mascara/foundation and concealer. That, I don't mind. But it sort of bugs me when they say "Really meh?", like they don't believe me.

I mean, really, what do you say to that? I can take my contacts off for you? You can pull my eyelashes? Haha! I actually wouldn't mind doing so {I have before} hahaha.

On to things that actually matter {sort of}.

First week of school is over, wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be, am really really grateful for the lack of questions from the teachers {or maybe they just assumed I'm hopeless-in that case whatever} cause honestly I don't like talking about it, what happened was awful and I'm not really up to sharing.

Long weekend this week, and my family already has plans to have dinner tomorrow at the Sakura restaurant near RP {pretty random I know}, with family friends.

MAYDAY PARADE & EYES SET TO KILL CONCERT IN LIKE. 5 DAYS!

BITTER.

I feel {sort of} productive today. I spent the entire afternoon in the dining table studying math and here I still am working so hard yet accomplishing..nothing. I am, without a doubt the most inept person when it comes to Additional math. I'm onto my second cup of coffee for the night, and the third piece of buttered toast and onto my first nutella-ed bread. I am eating and eating and eating and I have completely lost my will to become skinny and thin.

I can't focus on any more than one thing at a time. If I'm studying, then I'm not losing weight. If I'm losing weight, then I'm not studying. Its fucking ridiculous. I'm sick of my reflection I've had enough of feeling too much fat clinging onto my bones..but I'm not going to deprive myself entirely of food it never works out in the end. I'm never gonna lose enough weight like this.

Its times like this I wish I was fucked up enough to be able to starve myself for days on end.

REALLY? NO.

School tomorrow. Fun shit, i'm so excited.

ISEEYOUBUTYOUDON'TKNOW.

Photos: Because i am bored as fuck with nothing to do.

VIOLENTLY/HAPPY.

I tiptoed on to the shore.
Stand by the ocean.
Made it roar at me.
And i, roared back.

My bestfriend got mad at me the night I left for Phils. He was so mad he didn't even talk to me the day before I left. He saw my scars. Nobody ever understands why I do that to myself. I didn't understand myself either, at first. Its not that I'm suicidal cause I'll never do that to myself. I have a future worth it all, even if everything sucks now. So why?

Every night I fight my own demons but sometimes I'm not strong enough and they convince me that I'll never be worth anything and I carve stupid lines on myself. The night gets to me, and I get so sick of crying and dragging a pin on myself distracts me.

I don't make much sense. Nothing does when it comes to anything related to myself really.

Something awful happened but I know if I blog about it right now I'll start crying and I can't do that right now. Not in a hospital. Not here. Not right now.

Tonight maybe.

Sore ugly red skin.

I found my pin. Dragged it on my skin. Felt it sting.

Pressed harder. Dragged it some more. Raised lines on my arm. Like braille.

Went to the shower. Put my arm in the sink.

Cold at first. Then warm. Then hot.

It hurt some more, I cried a little bit.

Tonight won't be easy. One day i wish i wouldn't be like this anymore. I thought things were getting better, thought i'm gonna be okay. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore.

IFIDIEDYOUNG.

I just took another pill, Sammy's sleeping over her friend's place and I know I won't be able to sleep alone tonight without it. I hate taking pills, I know how they mess up with my system, I know I always have headaches when I wake up afterwards, but staying awake at night scares me to death.

I always wonder what it would be like to die young. I wonder what people would say about me, how long they'd remember for before they forget. I wonder if anyone would miss me.

This is why I don't ever spend my time thinking. I think about the most depressing things possible and I don't know how anyone could spend time doing nothing at all, just thinking.

They don't have to understand you, be still.

LIAR/INTHEGLASS.

Photo: With my crazy {literally} beautiful sissy, whom I love regardless of her weird obsession of logging into my fb acc.

Today I was looking through the photos in Josh's iPhone and I found a pictures of another girl in it. Pictures. And it wasn't like how some guys have pictures of Valerie Poxleitner or Megan Fox or whoever, I actually know her, you know. I didn't surprise me anymore though. I. Am. Not. A. Jealous. Loser. Anymore.

"Uhm, b? Why do you have a picture of X in your phone?"
"She sent them to me babe."
"Oh. Well, this is pretty awkward."

Story of my life.

A whole fucking lot to blog about. So the biggest one of them all?

I'M GOING TO A FUCKING MAYDAY PARADE CONCERT. AND THEY'RE PERFORMING WITH EYES SET TO KILL. I just got the ticket. Seriously, oh my god. I am honestly mindfuckingly happy.

Like, so happy I can't even be {too} sad about this: I'm really hurt by several different people who I love to death. They SAY they love me, they say they won't ever hurt me, but talk is cheap, you know.

PROTEGEMOI/DEMESDESIRS.

Photo: Spot the moustache.

Beyond obsessed with the line above right now. "Protege moi de mes desirs". It's french for "Protect me from what i want". Would love to have it tattooed on my arm, together with "What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger". Except my parents are crazy against tattoos {& anything beyond their conservative spectrum, really} and i've an irrational fear of any permanent changes to my body. Plus when i was younger i always believed that God made all of us perfect and we shouldn't modify ourselves- but that was years ago and i was a lot more catholic then.

I still have a lot of faith in God and baby Jesus, don't get me wrong but. What catholics do i don't, so i guess i can't exactly call myself one. But that doesn't make me a bad person. Don't judge.

Gonna stay up all night tonight. Hope i don't have a break down tonight, i honestly need to study now. Sigh.

Love, xoxo.