Sore ugly red skin.

I found my pin. Dragged it on my skin. Felt it sting.

Pressed harder. Dragged it some more. Raised lines on my arm. Like braille.

Went to the shower. Put my arm in the sink.

Cold at first. Then warm. Then hot.

It hurt some more, I cried a little bit.

Tonight won't be easy. One day i wish i wouldn't be like this anymore. I thought things were getting better, thought i'm gonna be okay. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore.

IFIDIEDYOUNG.

I just took another pill, Sammy's sleeping over her friend's place and I know I won't be able to sleep alone tonight without it. I hate taking pills, I know how they mess up with my system, I know I always have headaches when I wake up afterwards, but staying awake at night scares me to death.

I always wonder what it would be like to die young. I wonder what people would say about me, how long they'd remember for before they forget. I wonder if anyone would miss me.

This is why I don't ever spend my time thinking. I think about the most depressing things possible and I don't know how anyone could spend time doing nothing at all, just thinking.

They don't have to understand you, be still.

LIAR/INTHEGLASS.

Photo: With my crazy {literally} beautiful sissy, whom I love regardless of her weird obsession of logging into my fb acc.

Today I was looking through the photos in Josh's iPhone and I found a pictures of another girl in it. Pictures. And it wasn't like how some guys have pictures of Valerie Poxleitner or Megan Fox or whoever, I actually know her, you know. I didn't surprise me anymore though. I. Am. Not. A. Jealous. Loser. Anymore.

"Uhm, b? Why do you have a picture of X in your phone?"
"She sent them to me babe."
"Oh. Well, this is pretty awkward."

Story of my life.

A whole fucking lot to blog about. So the biggest one of them all?

I'M GOING TO A FUCKING MAYDAY PARADE CONCERT. AND THEY'RE PERFORMING WITH EYES SET TO KILL. I just got the ticket. Seriously, oh my god. I am honestly mindfuckingly happy.

Like, so happy I can't even be {too} sad about this: I'm really hurt by several different people who I love to death. They SAY they love me, they say they won't ever hurt me, but talk is cheap, you know.

PROTEGEMOI/DEMESDESIRS.

Photo: Spot the moustache.

Beyond obsessed with the line above right now. "Protege moi de mes desirs". It's french for "Protect me from what i want". Would love to have it tattooed on my arm, together with "What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger". Except my parents are crazy against tattoos {& anything beyond their conservative spectrum, really} and i've an irrational fear of any permanent changes to my body. Plus when i was younger i always believed that God made all of us perfect and we shouldn't modify ourselves- but that was years ago and i was a lot more catholic then.

I still have a lot of faith in God and baby Jesus, don't get me wrong but. What catholics do i don't, so i guess i can't exactly call myself one. But that doesn't make me a bad person. Don't judge.

Gonna stay up all night tonight. Hope i don't have a break down tonight, i honestly need to study now. Sigh.

Love, xoxo.

FLOWERCHILD.

Photos: Heheh my fringe's back.

2 more days til Josh turns 19. He's so fucking old now. Won't grow up though. Hahah. I love you baby.

I really can't wait to grow up, i can't wait to be 18, it sounds really lame but i really can't wait to go clubbing. A guy friend told me once that clubbing's really overated, but its a good way to meet new people. "You have to be careful that the hot girl you're eyeing doesn't turn out to be a dude though." Hahahah. I've made it a point to go clubbing with him one day. He's really old now, 21 this year, so when i'm 18 he'll be...uhm, 23? So the age gap shrinks. Hahah.

Mama brought us to the Metro expo sale on Saturday, bought so much chocolate. I won't stop eating, last night i ate so much i couldn't sleep til late and i had really horrible dreams of everyone dying. Ugh.