BITTER.

I feel {sort of} productive today. I spent the entire afternoon in the dining table studying math and here I still am working so hard yet accomplishing..nothing. I am, without a doubt the most inept person when it comes to Additional math. I'm onto my second cup of coffee for the night, and the third piece of buttered toast and onto my first nutella-ed bread. I am eating and eating and eating and I have completely lost my will to become skinny and thin.

I can't focus on any more than one thing at a time. If I'm studying, then I'm not losing weight. If I'm losing weight, then I'm not studying. Its fucking ridiculous. I'm sick of my reflection I've had enough of feeling too much fat clinging onto my bones..but I'm not going to deprive myself entirely of food it never works out in the end. I'm never gonna lose enough weight like this.

Its times like this I wish I was fucked up enough to be able to starve myself for days on end.

REALLY? NO.

School tomorrow. Fun shit, i'm so excited.

ISEEYOUBUTYOUDON'TKNOW.

Photos: Because i am bored as fuck with nothing to do.

VIOLENTLY/HAPPY.

I tiptoed on to the shore.
Stand by the ocean.
Made it roar at me.
And i, roared back.

My bestfriend got mad at me the night I left for Phils. He was so mad he didn't even talk to me the day before I left. He saw my scars. Nobody ever understands why I do that to myself. I didn't understand myself either, at first. Its not that I'm suicidal cause I'll never do that to myself. I have a future worth it all, even if everything sucks now. So why?

Every night I fight my own demons but sometimes I'm not strong enough and they convince me that I'll never be worth anything and I carve stupid lines on myself. The night gets to me, and I get so sick of crying and dragging a pin on myself distracts me.

I don't make much sense. Nothing does when it comes to anything related to myself really.

Something awful happened but I know if I blog about it right now I'll start crying and I can't do that right now. Not in a hospital. Not here. Not right now.

Tonight maybe.