FLAMESTOASHES/DUSTTODUST.

In about 20 minutes it shall be 2011. I'd be excited if I weren't so fucking gloomy. As bitter as I am right now I actually have a more positive outlook on life & even though we're only going over to Tita Grace's place tomorrow for New Year's I AM EXCITED.

It depresses me to think that right now everybody's fucking happy & celebrating the New Year while I'm at home, with everybody asleep except for Sammy, but she's pacing the living room like a mad pacing thing & we both know we don't exactly know what to do right now.

New year has always been super special to me...now its just like any other night. I feel like the old people you saw sleeping while everybody were frantic to save themselves in the movie Titanic. The New Year is gonna come in 15 minutes whether I like it or not. I just wish I could sleep when it happens. But I can't.

Sigh.

So. 2010. The year I:

Ran away from home. Cut myself. Lost my religion. Almost lost my best friends, twice. Let my parents hit me. Let my parents hate me. Let my teachers hate me. Skipped school and CCA routinely. Messed about with pills. Wished I would die over and over and over again.

2011 has to be a better year. I don't see how it could get any worse than 2010. Baby Jesus please make 2011 bearable. Please don't make me want to fucking kill myself over and over again.

Happy New Year, everybody. I hope that all of you, whereever you are, have a wonderful count down. & sending out all my love to you guys. X.

ITDOESN'TMAKESENSE/BUTITSHOULD.

Photo #1: My obsession with rings. I wear all of them EVERYWHERE {& I really do mean everywhere} I go, but it gets sort of irritating cause obsession #2 is constant washing of hands so you can imagine how tiresome it gets having to remove & put on all {only 4, actually} rings every time I do. But I'll live with it cause I fucking love my rings & I am dying to buy more from forever21. I need at least 3 more? TAKE NOTE POSSIBLE BIRTHDAY GIFT HAHAHA.

Photo #2: My ear. I just thought how nobody ever sees my ear in photos. I think too much.

Oh & notice the Christmas tree in the background!!

Its the last day of 2010 & I am fucking glad. Ridiculously happy to say goodbye to this shitty year & am preparing myself for 2011, which is bound to be just as shit or worse, but who knows what to expect, right.

I've got so much running through my mind its overwhelming. I did so many stupid things this year, fucked myself up so much I feel like crying just thinking about it.

I'll need to sort out my thoughts a bit, post again l8r.

Oh but this I have to post before I forget. I don't hate God, nor am I anti-christ/a satanist. I love baby Jesus & hate satan {seriously fuck you red horned freak} very very much in fact. I just don't think that God could possibly love me & I'm...mad at him. I love him, but I'm just too mad to be a good Catholic right now.

Its like what I once told JP.

"I love you even when I don't like you. It doesn't make sense but it should."

I don't like God very much right now but I really really do love him.

Ahhh I'm mindfucking myself. Stop stop stop.

MYMASOCHISTICHEART.

Photo: June this year, before I did anything to my hair. I love this photo.

My new space because some fucked up people {ie teachers, fuckers who suck up to teachers} were reading my old one.

It feels so weird to be posting in a new blog, & not a good weird either. Missing my old space right now, which is just ridiculous, cause it is, after all, just a space online. But then again it does, after all, contain all my memories from since I was twelve. Sigh i can be so melodramatic sometimes.

So here I am, a week from turning 16, in my living room with my bowl of avocados & milk placed precariously in front of my laptop blogging my first ever post in hollyundercover.blogspot.com. I h8 the title but I think I'd grow to like it eventually. I wanted R U 4 REAL.blogspot.com but of course weblinks don't allow spaces & joined together it just looks really weird-RU4REAL.blogspot.com. See.

Rambling again, as I always do. Some things never change.

But then again, they always will.

"No i shall not give my sons condoms as a gift because he'd buy them himself."

SORRY I JUST HAD TO POST THAT HAHAHAHA.