I've been in bed since 9pm and its almost midnight and I'm still awake. Torture of the worst kind. I feel so lonely...why do I always fuck myself up at night? Am I really always going to be this sad? I feel so hollow inside, do you know how that fucking feels like? When you lie in bed and all you feel is sadness, or bitterness, or loneliness? All I do is push people away, cause I can't stand how everybody's moving on, and my life is a complete standstill. A complete fucking joke. As a little girl I thought I'd suffered enough, not having my father ever make me feel like I mattered to him, always a burden to my mother, silently crying whenever either one of them hurt me. But they were just as broken as I am now, nobody could blame them. I love them both so so much.
I love so much, I love everybody I meet, because right now its the only positive thing I have going for me. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep. Sleep for years and wake up and start anew. Cause my existance right now, I don't even think it counts as a life, is just pointless.
This isn't even normal for me anymore.
it takes guts to write that open about your feelings - respect! i felt the same way (as you described in the post) for a long time...sometimes still do...
ReplyDeleteI wish you wouldn't...feeling alone and sad is the worst, and i won't ever want anyone feeling the same way i do. And thank you <3 i'm amazed to have someone from Austria {?} reading this space haha :>
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